What to wear in Norfolk

It's one of the great dilemmas of going away… what clothes to pack. Read our style guide and you won't go far wrong...

Headwear: a deerstalker is a must. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle came up with the idea of the Hound of the Baskervilles when staying near Cromer and having heard stories about the vicious dog Black Shuck. Ever since it's been part of our unofficial costume in homage to the old boy. By all means accessorise with violin and pipe. If you're going out on the Broads, then a Captain's hat is de rigeur - they bestow immediate authority on the wearer and will have local boaters tugging their forelocks in quick time.

Jacket: to properly blend in with the locals there's a choice of a shiny new Barbour waxed jacket (we don't go in for that beaten-up nonsense - people should always be presentable) or a hunting frock coat. Again, this will open doors to all the right places. If you can't get one, a Sgt Pepper's-style blood red jacket will do.

Trousers: plus fours are good for the golf course - it's an idea to take an extra pair if you think you might get a hole in one. There are rumours that Rory McIlroy is planning to redesign Norfolk as a golf course, on account of it being flat and we've got good sand bunkers on the fringes. For the beach, budgie-smuggler Speedos of course.

Footwear: Yellow wellies are good for wading when your boat comes stuck in the shallows and double up as good attention grabbers when it runs aground on the sandbanks (and it will). Just hold them aloft and wave. Flares are banned by the way - 70s fashions scare the seals.

Accessories: Gucci or Chanel sunglasses are a must. Wells-next-the-Sea is the new Cannes, darling, and nobody there would be seen without them. A map holder to hang around your neck - blast if even us lookles can't find our way around since they changed all the signposts around during the second world war to confuse Nazi spies. Also, a weave basket is an absolute necessity fior the morning walk to the village bakers to pick up your fresh Frenchloaves and pain au chocolat.

How else to fit in with the locals.

Please note, ladies and gentlemen, that this news story was posted on April the first.

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