Fit in with the locals

You've come to Norfolk to get away from the stress and strain of everyday, routine life… and you're very welcome. But what's the etiquette when you're talking to the Good 'Ol Boys down the Parched Parrot? Let us help you… follow our guide and you'll soon have an ear of wheat sticking out of the side of your mouth and be 'oo-arring' with the best of them. Just please, when consuming, as with chips from Norwich Market, take with a little pinch of salt…

1 Don't get taken in by all those pubs and inns named after Horatio Nelson, and his name on the entrance signs into the county. Locals will tell you he's from Norfolk, on account of having had a holiday home in Dereham (he actually couldn't stand sea views after all those years sailing the briny), but he was really born in Portsmouth… which is why Pompey laid claim to his boat.

2 For an interesting excursion, go to the Bernard Matthews factory where turkeys are bred with breadcrumbs on their skin, rather than feathers. They have also developed an added-value three-legged turkey for an extra drumstick, although nobody knows what they taste like – nobody has caught one yet.

Picturesque Burnham Market is sometimes referred to as Chelsea-on-Sea.

3 When you're out driving on our lovely, quiet country lanes and see a horse rider, give a little toot on your horn as a way of saying 'Good day!' You're sure to receive a hearty response. And if you're on a countryside ramble, make sure you leave gates wide open. This will save the next people through a lot of bother.

4 Don't be fooled when locals tell you Happisburgh is pronounced Haysbrough – they're just having their little joke. It's really Happysburg. Oh, and to properly fit in, Potter Heigham is nicknamed Potted Ham. Wymondham, as if you haven't guessed, is pronounced Windham. No, we were having you on there – it's really Whymondham. Talking of pronunciation, commend the locals on their Somerset accents – it's taken us years to get 'jussst roight'.

Learn how to pronounce Norfolk placenames.

5 Burnham Market is commonly referred to as Chelsea-on-Sea. This is because Chelsea footballers John Terry and Didier Drogba quite often stay at The Hoste Arms. Their partners are often spotted in the boutique fashion shops and buying wet fish. Remember to wear your Chelsea replica shirts when you're walking around the village – you'll fit in nicely.

6 When hiring a boat on the Broads, make sure you maintain a vigorous speed down the rivers, as the ensuing wash keeps the banks clean. And when mooring your cruiser, be careful to apply the hand brake and switch off the indicators. Oh, and local women enjoy being referred to as Norfolk Broads. My, how they'll laugh if you call them this.

7 A Norfolk bylaw states that tractors cannot be overtaken. And there is an 'unofficial' speed limit of 35mph on the Acle Straight to Great Yarmouth. Make sure you respect this. Other motorists will be extremely grateful.

8 There is excellent mountaineering to be had in central Norfolk. Contact the Norfolk Mountaineering Association for details – and don't forget to pack your carabiners and crampons.

9 If you approve of any comments made by residents in their local hostelry, blend in by slapping them on the back and exclaiming, 'Thassa loada squit, that is, old bor!' Smokers should fall in with the local custom by asking 'A yer got a loight, boi?' when requesting help starting up a cigarette.

Learn more about our dialect.

10 Talking of which, if you're up from The Smoke, remember the difference in exchange rate – one of your London pounds is worth half that in Norfolk. Therefore, when tipping, you should expect to double what you would normally offer.

Please note, ladies and gentlemen, that this news story was posted on April the first.

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